Palace Court Football Club Reserves - Player Profiles

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Duncan Hammond - Target Man

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As a body-double for Homer Simpson, this half of our inspirational managerial team spends many a day getting into character by drinking copious amounts of beer and acting as if he was a couple of goals short of a hat-trick. Needless to say this takes little time or effort. An animal on the pitch, lesser mortals (of which there are many) tremble and flee at the sight of this un-stoppable beast pounding towards them. This allows Duncan to seize the ball and lumber goal-wards with only the keeper to beat. However, this seasons goal tally looks far more impressive than it really is, as at least 50 percent of through-balls to him have actually been passed by the other team (Did you ever wonder where our match fees went?!). Off the pitch, Duncan is a much quieter character, enjoying nothing more than the touch of the green baize under his skin. Sooner or later he’ll begin playing pool and stop his lewd fantasies. One side-affect of his Jekyll and Hyde persona is an inability to see things for what they truly are. As we all know Dunc, Aston Villa definitely aren’t a force to be reckoned with…………….. (Will I still get picked for Sunday?!)